01.06.2024
02.06.2024
I tidy up the coals on the floor with F. First I sweep them under a chest drawer, then into a large container. I add cut young trees to the coal. I know they won’t grow in the coal. The trees are stacked on top of each other. One man thinks the trees look nice like this. Not like other trees.
03.06.2024
I’m with H. A birthday. H. must have a lot of money. He’s talking about 12 million that he has to pay for something, a house.
04.06.2024
I go to a shop with C. without any clothes. The shop assistant lets us in, but she will close soon. I look for clothes, then choose the classics. Are the trousers the right model? I also buy a pair for H. In a large dark hall he tries them on. Do they fit in the same size? He is proud that he actually manages to wear them.
I am in front of two large devices to watch a film. They switch off and I have to press the rest button but can’t find it anywhere. I walk to the hotel to get help. What is the name of the man I’m here with again? Roosevelt? It can’t be Roosevelt. I walk through the back entrance of the hotel, along the corridors. Lots of people are queuing for passport control. Too many. I go back.
I see a child lifting something through a narrow passage. The child succeeds. Outside again at the machines. My father is sitting opposite me. His face is red. He speaks coldly and dismissively. I ask why he is like this. He doesn’t know himself and seems confused.
05.06.2024
I’m in H. and A.’s flat with C. and Y. The flat is old. On a dictaphone I’m listening to a version of a Queen song I recorded. I don’t want to stay in the flat too long and leave before A. arrives. While tidying up I hear a radio. It is playing on a coffee machine. I flick a switch to turn it off and the coffee machine comes on. I switch it off again and hope that everything else is switched off before we leave the flat. C. says she’s going to meet a dancer I’ve worked with. She shows me a programme. It shows a black and white picture of three or four dancers. Which one was the dancer I worked with? Which one is the prettiest? What will the dancers say when they meet my family? What will they say about my bald head? On another double page of the programme is a group called “Sex in Japan”.
06.06.2024
07.06.2024
I’m with Nick Cave and his wife. She’s at the wheel, driving too fast down a big road. At night. I tell her to watch out so she doesn’t get flashed. Then she drives through a red light and gets flashed. My face must also be in the picture as I lean forward from the back seat. She is shocked.
We go through large doors into a police station. A man, a Russian, comes in with boxing gloves. Nick Cave takes them. I go with him and tell him not to box. The Russian wants to give me a belt so I can be the referee. I refuse. I take my camera. Nick Cave sprays with a hose and I take pictures. Then I do some boxing moves with the man who brought the gloves. But I do them wrong. I walk on with Nick Cave. He says we should record a record together with our two bands. I’m afraid I’m not good enough, that I can’t do it.
08.06.2024
Photos. With an old camera. Pictures of someone else, then of me. My hairstyle is surprisingly good. I get close to the camera under a cover. Now pictures are taken of me with a long exposure time. I turn my eyes, then my head, so that they are blurred in the photos. I look at the pictures. They are not good. I also see pictures with detailed shots of beach toys.
09.06.2024
I have to go to another road with Y. The street leading there is closed, so we continue walking. I see protesters being arrested. I ask a policeman if he will let us through because Y. has a doctor’s appointment. I actually have the appointment, but I hope it will seem more urgent if I say it’s for my daughter. The policeman wants to check, leaves, but doesn’t come back. I ask a policewoman to check with him, but she goes to another policeman instead.
There is something on my desk. A. is there. I unpack something. It’s a candle, with oil. There is a folded instruction leaflet on thin paper. Erotic pictures in pastel colours.
10.06.2024
A blanket to which I sew gold edges. The colours melt but you can still see the edge.
11.06.2024
12.06.2024
I say a tender goodbye with K. and K. Very slowly with K. We turn around and kiss gently on the lips. Quietly and tenderly. I have to be careful not to close my eyes because I’ve taken a deep drag on a joint.
13.06.2024
14.06.2024
15.06.2024
I’m playing pool with H. He’s tired and it’s the last round. A long shot diagonally across the table. I miss. H. wins. He tells me about a house he’s building in a ditch. Then I see him on stage in Poland, singing. He is presented as a star architect. His hair is combed back and he wears glasses. Other architects are standing at the edge of the stage. The whole thing is in black and white. The number of spectators appears: over a thousand.
I see a foot with painted nails in a beam of light and want to take a picture of it.
16.06.2024
A. has taken drugs because he is afraid. He is dancing. Then I come in at the back, wearing a suit. W. encourages me. I start spinning quickly until I pull my feet up and float above the floor.
Then I’m in the water with N. The music for S. is now supposed to be a soundalike of “Happy”. There are people everywhere improvising. I play along on my guitar. The volume of my guitar is low. In the end it becomes clear that actually only two women were playing. I feel uncomfortable about having played too, but then I no longer care. I think the two women were using samples and will have to pay for them. N. is handed a bottle with a cork to fill with water. She passes it on to me. I walk through the water fully dressed. The clothes stick unpleasantly to my skin. I get out of the water and go to the toilets because I need to pee and refill the bottle. It feels like being in a railway station.
17.06.2024
I’m standing with many others at a wedding speech. During the speech I walk to the front to take a picture of the guests with my mobile phone. The flash goes on, the phone clicks. I’m supposed to take wedding photos for A. I meet his ex, who is also taking pictures. I look for my Canon camera but can’t find it anywhere. I find the ex’s workplace, where a Canon lies. I only eat sweet things and keep looking for my camera, walking through many dark rooms. One room is being freshly renovated. Two women are standing in it. A worker measures the thickness of a wall and corrects himself by a few millimetres. Light comes through colourful windows. I continue searching for my camera. The ex asks me about matching the pictures so our photographs look uniform.
18.06.2024
I look out of the back window of my car and see two stray cats. The landscape is black with rubble. I ask myself whether I should stop and adopt the cats, whether now is the right moment, as I have no other choice.
19.06.2024
20.06.2024
21.06.2024
I’m by the sea with R. I look across the beach to the left, then to the right. It’s beautiful there too.
“Is that a tent?” I ask. R. says no. I say: “The harbour is the dirtiest place.” I go down into a room. The others have been drinking. Someone is sitting on the bed and although he has been boozing, he looks fresh. Another man is sleeping here. The men look similar. I pack my things. I find a cable and my nail file on the floor. I say goodbye. A few things fall down.
22.06.2024
I enter a church. My pictures are on display at the back of the wall in a beam of light. I want to keep travelling and make and show my art. I don’t want to sit at home alone and rot anymore. I want to be travelling with my band. A busty woman is in front of me in the church. I have to give some kind of presentation about faith and the church. I start very quietly and shyly. The woman turns away and takes over the speaking. I dare to speak more and more. Then another pupil tells the woman that she spoke the whole time and that I had no idea. She then shows him all my notes. I become bolder and criticise the church, what it was built on, all the lies and deaths.
How can she still believe? I wonder if I’m going too far and putting my good grade at risk.
23.06.2024
24.06.2024
I’m standing with someone in front of a tartan obstacle course. He is buying running trousers. The shop assistant asks if I want to buy some too. I shout: “No, but I’m going to take part in the competition too!” The other person goes to get the car, but the obstacle course is being driven towards us. It is set to a Nick Cave song. On a T-shirt I read about someone who won the last race. I think I can win this race. You have to tackle it with full aggression.
25.06.2024
26.06.2024
I’m with G. He wants to sell a motorboat. It’s in the water. He wants me to prepare the advert. He says he always takes the photos of the boats from bottom to top. I can’t quite keep up with the details he gives about the boat. It becomes clear that the boat has osmosis. However, a different term is used for it. We stand in a queue in front of the toilets. G. asks why I’m pretending not to know him. I find bottles of water and pour and hand him a glass. Then I go to my mother’s grave. I want a woman to see me go there. F. drops a coin and I fix my gaze on the spot so that I can find the coin again.
27.06.2024
28.06.2024
I’m looking for music for a race, with vocals. The music fits well but C. criticises it. There’s a game with a piece of cheese that sticks to something. I think the music sounds cool but it’s always the same kind of sound that’s used. H. suggests one of his friends as composer. He has set up a page of music for the football championships to promote it. But the music sounds static and programmed. I think my music is better, that I’m one of the good composers. I then lie with others who are paid 3% of the commissioner salary of the SOKO. I say I’ll lie down again if I’m paid that well. I tense my stomach muscles and show them to H. He shows me his bum muscles. I touch them admiringly. Then I climb up an embankment to my school. There are a few older teachers at the back, moving around. I continue across the schoolyard. A child says I could leave the bag there. Then I notice a large transparent bag with soft toys. I think about it and say that I still need them. But I leave a playhouse that has been taken apart. I ask the children if they want it. An older woman moves it to the wall. A man talks about a device like a mobile phone that you wear on your wrist. That would have made good money. I realise that I’ve forgotten the stuffed animals and go back to get them. Then I’m sitting in the back seat with a woman and a man. The man is steering the car from the back seat. He drives backwards, fast, and scrapes along a hedge. I tell him to slow down. When they stop, they are given a map. I say goodbye to both of them with kisses and tell them I can get out via the front seat. They drive on. It’s dark. I find my way and arrive at a house. I meet S. there. She looks very different and old. She kisses me, tries to kiss me on the lips. I am irritated.
29.06.2024
I present my dream diaries. Like baroque windows of houses on the street Unter den Linden.
I go to a toilet. There is already a man there. I urinate. A woman tells me to stop so that I can pee later for the dream presentation.
30.06.2024
I made ice cubes for a group of children. They are packed in a plastic bag. A woman asks if I’ve seen the group? I didn’t have time. I let them taste the ice cubes. They are like gin and tonic.
Two women are very excited that I’m here.