01.05.2024
02.05.2024
I play with R. Someone criticises my guitar playing as being too ordinary. Later, I see an old recording of me working experimentally with loops. Then R. and I are in a room. We are supposed to make the music for something. There is a meeting and I look in a calendar for an entry. I can’t find the day, then realise that I am somewhere in the 20th century. I leave the room and walk through corridors, trying to hide for fun. But I can’t run fast. The fun turns into seriousness. A man throws a big hammer, which chases me and turns into a small dog. I think he is cute but he is poisonous and my guardian. He always has to know exactly where I am. I try to understand how he reacts to me. A woman has a child.
03.05.2024
04.05.2024
E. cuts my hair on the sides. There is a dance performance by Nick Cave. I play individual notes on a piano as a beat. Then I play louder and the beat becomes music. In the opening scene of the piece, I float lightly and let myself drift. I am not sure if Nick Cave likes it. After a few beers, I find that I am behaving like an alcoholic. I float again. Before the show starts, I go out and look for a restroom. I can only find a ladies’ toilet, so I stand outside against a wall. My urine will probably run out into the street. I sail back down the street to the performance venue. People come towards me in the opposite direction. A woman pulls me out and shows me that I should sail on the other side of the street. The audience comes into the theatre, a woman goes through the side entrance. Nick Cave runs back and forth, jumping. He is nervous. I have a premonition that the piece will not be good and check whether I can still float. I have the feeling that Nick Cave does not like my floating. I go back and forth with him and wish him good luck. He does not reply.
05.05.2024
I meet G. He has lost weight. I am looking for a room for a restaurant. My photos are hanging there. I walk through the rooms and look at my pictures. They look great. I check the print quality. One picture is cut into two halves with a rail in between that is not flush. In one room there is a wooden frame into which one of my pictures is clamped. A wooden board with figures hovers above it. Then there is an old picture hanging in it that is not mine. Two men come and walk quickly through a large room. Are they Belgian? They call me by my first name and also think the pictures are great. They continue as they still have work to do. I shout something after them and walk on into another room. There are black and white photos from China with naked dark-skinned people. I look at the women’s breasts and compare them. The photographer of these pictures is standing at the back. He says that because of his looks, he is not considered to be the artist but the person who hangs up the pictures. He has a big moustache.
06.05.2024
I want to record a few extra tracks for a film score. Therefore I need my folk guitar. I play a few percussive notes. I still need a cable to record, so I ask someone some distance away to find the guitar case, open it and give me the cable. I play a guitar run that will be too fast for the recording. I still have to adjust the timing. I say it would be great to have a whole day in the studio to do the overdubbing for the film score.
07.05.2024
I’m on a bus with C. She tells me that she has cheated on me. Over and over again. I punch her in the face. It cracks slightly. I do not want to hurt her, but I can see marks around her nose. I am sorry. I am terribly hurt and get off the bus. I run with others in my street clothes. We run very fast. I am not sweating. When I arrive at a toll station, I have to pay even though I am not on the bus and the bus will be paying. I hand over my black Visa card. After paying, I look for my card. The seller thinks he has already given it back to me. But I cannot find it among all my other cards. I should have asked C. why she did not include me in her affairs. I wonder if her lovers saw me afterwards, whether they exchanged secret signs with C. Did she also sleep with F.? I wait at the empty counter until a woman comes in, fighting back tears. I should ask her if she is OK. I wait until I can ask if my card is still in one of the machine slots.
08.05.2024
09.05.2024
I am at an exhibition or a party with M. We are cleaning up. A long, narrow, modern and elegant sailing boat speeds towards a beach and docks on a ramp.
10.05.2024
11.05.2024
I paint a picture with very small circles. Or the circles are drawn out of writing. As if imprinted. It looks very special. A psychologist stops working with me because I have said “shit” several times.
I walk through a music shop. A fashion show is taking place inside. The sun blinds me and I cannot see. Someone buys something. I go into my studio and look out of the window. Three women are sitting on a bench. One of them is a red-haired woman. Is it D.? On her balcony a man lies with his head between a woman’s legs. He is pleasuring her. I get a pair of binoculars, which seem bigger than usual, push aside my parents’ light beige curtains and look outside again. The man who was pleasuring the woman is now sitting next to her. Will she pleasure him now or the second man who is also sitting with them?
12.05.2024
R. and I are both wearing bathrobes. His wife E. arrives. She has also travelled in a bathrobe. Strange. R. slept with the stewardess on the flight. On the plane? Yes. And with several other women. I think they have an open marriage. E. wants my credit card to go shopping in Brussels. She is looking for a swimming costume. Their children arrive. The adopted child is a tall man. I shake his hand. Let’s see if we will get along. I want to return to my studio on the other side of the street. A group of red-haired people arrive. They speak Flemish. They position themselves in front of my family. Do I know them from my childhood? It becomes clear they are a cult.
13.05.2024
I’m sitting between two people. One is interviewing the other. I see my hair from behind. It looks thick.
I. is sitting in a corridor, stands up and goes outside. P. arrives and we are all drunk and can barely walk straight. Outside P. says he sees it differently, that we are idealists. I say F. would have said exactly the same about us.
14.05.2024
I’m with a woman. We get to know each other. She strokes my hair from above and says it must be hard to lose it, to have less of it. I say it’s not so bad. I meet F. He says he’s tired or ill and needs to rest. At first I think it’s a pity and still want to work, even though I can’t dance at all. Not through the streets. But then I tell him he should rest. In a supermarket I’m like in a race. I get to the checkout, go to the next one, but nobody is working there. I return. The shop assistant has left space for me on the conveyor belt. I put down my things. He tries to scan an empty pickle jar. It doesn’t work and he asks where I got it. I go back to where I thought I had taken it. But I can’t find any pickle jars. I ask a shop assistant. She can’t find any either. I think about the queue in front of the checkout and how everyone is waiting for me. I still can’t find where I picked up the jar. It is maddening.
15.05.2024
16.05.2024
I’m sitting on R.’s lap. We are in a school class. The lesson seems to be over and we leave the room with others. The teacher calls us back, the lesson isn’t over yet. We roll back into the room on a chair. I’m cuddled up to R. with my eyes closed. It’s quiet, everyone is waiting for the bell. We roll further through the classroom to the window. R. says nobody knows my deep pain.
17.05.2024
18.05.2024
I see S., but first go to a toilet. I can’t manage to lock the door. It’s old and wooden. Then the lock snaps. I have to flick something aside and then urinate with a very hard stream onto a T-shirt lying on the floor. When I’m finished, I leave through a back exit because the front door is stuck. I’m wearing a blue shirt with a round collar under my jumper. Then I have sports shorts and a T-shirt on. I find S. with Y. and can finally greet her.
19.05.2024
I’m in a bathroom with Z. I’m naked and try to hide my nascent erection. Then we are in a club in London. David Bowie is there, with oxidised blond hair, presenting a band with several singers. The music sounds like Massive Attack and plays on a screen. David Bowie asks one of the singers to sing along to the track. I like the music. Z. and I do not go together.
I put on shoes like my mother’s. They are narrow. Unusual for me. David Bowie looks in my direction and says that Christian should go to the back. He calls another surname. I should clap and encourage the others to clap too. Someone tells me I shouldn’t be too critical of my name. I’m not. People pass by me.
20.05.2024
For an episode of SOKO Leipzig, I play the detective. At the end I’m sitting at a table talking to a woman. I say that I’m actually the composer. I clear the dishes. Someone asks me to check if someone is in the toilet in the next room. I hear a female voice. Then I’m flying with my parents over a desert. The wind is strong and we drift between two poles until we land. My father wants something to drink. We arrive in a very small village where there are only pubs. In a back room there is a Jewish bakery.
21.05.2024
I oversleep and forget to wake Y. F. is lying in a bed.
22.05.2024
I talk to S. and O. We’re leaving on Friday. Our presentation is disappointing. It’s in 4:3 but empty and will be filled as the project progresses. I sit in a corner and smoke a joint. A well-known actor is watching me. I don’t feel the joint yet — or are the colours getting warmer?
23.05.2024
24.05.2024
A mattress in a train with S. We transport other mattresses. Then I’m at a hairdresser’s and I cut hair. There are enough jobs, like G.’s.
25.05.2024
A dog goes crazy and is extremely aggressive. I hold him by the scruff of his neck with my teeth. I still don’t want to admit that the dog is uncontrollably aggressive and hope that he will calm down. My brother is there too. I am scared.
I paint a bench and don’t cover the floor underneath, I spill the paint but it wipes off easily. Robert de Niro and Al Pacino are at my birthday and are eating together at a table. I think I should have taken a photo with them. I’m painting something different, the colour is no longer the same.
I’m waiting with C. down in the courtyard. It’s raining. H. comes down and unlocks the car for us. J. wants us all to go to the swimming pool. She says she spends up to 12 hours there. C. and I are already driving off. Y. calls. I don’t understand what she wants to say. Then she tells me that she wants to go to my mother’s to do her homework. We have to go back because J. doesn’t have room to take our children with her. I go through the Fort de Soigne into the Terschurenstraat. J. is there with lots of other people who all want to go to the swimming pool. I think, what do I look like? My hair isn’t shaved. I can’t remember where we parked the car. Should I cycle there and look for it? Then I moor our boat. The space is too small. The boat hits a metal pillar. A man comes towards me for the second time on the pontoon. A woman complains that I’m not making room for her. A. and J. come to the swimming pool.
26.05.2024
M. has gotten into my room through a wardrobe during the night and appears in front of my bed. I’m in my childhood room. It scares me. I live in my old studio in Greifswalder Strasse.
27.05.2024
28.05.2024
29.05.2024
I’m in K.’s flat with others. It’s also a former factory. Not so fancy. With retrofitted long windows that you can’t open. I’m lying on the floor. Trying to cover myself with something. I look around. Now I know the flat and can travel to it in my imagination. A large poodle sticks its muzzle out at me. Then, in a crate, I see two dirty and sticky young border collies. One black, the other white. They barely move. They are going to die. After some hesitation, I go out to buy something for them. Vitamins or medication too. I want to call K. in the shop to ask which ones. I read K.’s number off a sign and try to type it in awkwardly. But then I find her saved mobile phone number. Z. or A. tells me which medicine or vitamin preparation I should buy.
30.05.2024
I am with O. He’s doing a presentation for two women from the property management company. I’m recording vocals for a song that sounds like Nick Cave. I go into a studio with a band for it. Oli plays the wrong mix. I think the song is good, but I’m reluctant to express myself. Oli notices this but I say that I really like the track. I’m sent to a hairdresser. It takes a long time there. Someone says that it takes so long that the last person there won’t get their turn.
I look out of the window of my studio. A family is sitting downstairs in the wind. The man puts an empty cup down next to a fence next next to a tree. I open the window in order to say something, but I hold back. The family looks up at me. I look to the left where there is a new building with balconies. Another family is standing there. They are new here.
31.05.2024
I’m with three different women. Each of them wants to be with me. And I’m with each of them. How did I get into this? One of the women wants to go back to Charlottenburg with me. Another doesn’t think my current flat is fancy enough. I’m stirring something with dumplings or strawberries in cream. There’s also a napkin in there, which keeps turning until I can finally get it out. A. says he doesn’t see me returning to Berlin. But I could visit him there at Savignyplatz. The three women talk to each other and one of them will tell the others that she’s moving in with me. There’s bound to be some jealous drama.